Keys to the Kingdom Abridged: Revamped
by DarkPaladin000
Summary: So, even though this fandom is mostly dead I decided to redo the original series since I noticed that they had quite a few flaws in them and whatnot.
1. Mister Monday Was Too Lazy to Name This

**A/N: So, though of course there isn't much going on or anything in the Keys to the Kingdom fandom, I was looking over the original abridged series and saw that it was rather messy and too short. Rather than revamping it I decided to start from scratch with this. A note though, both Suzy and Arthur are sixteen in this fanfiction to reflect the changing theme.**

Arthur, current Lord of the Lower House was having a nap. It was about the object of his affections, Saturday.

What you ask? Arthur is supposed to be with Suzy (or Leaf)? No, that's just not how it works in this fanfic. We'll get to why later, but for now just ignore that plot point.

The problem was that his dream had been interrupted by someone. He groaned. He had definitely told his Times to keep quiet while he was napping, so this was clearly someone else. The Old One was probably still playing with his clocks down in the Coal Cellar, so what could the problem possibly be?

Arthur opened his eyes to see Sir Thursday standing over him and about to impale him using the Fourth Key. Arthur dodged just in time.

"What are you doing? You're not even supposed to be here until the Fourth Book!" Arthur shouted.

Sir Thursday shook his head. "Lord Sunday ordered that you be executed, so I came here to do that. Sit still."

"Like I'm going to sit still if you ask me," Arthur said. "Stop being such a big dick!"

Sir Thursday glared at Arthur. "Well, if you think I'm a big dick, this dick's been screwing Saturday."

Arthur leaped at Thursday with the First Key in hand and they would've ended up fighting if someone hadn't come in between them.

Arthur realized that it was Sunday. Sunday had been a grown man who played with huge models of Barbie Dolls before, but now he had moved on to collecting Star Wars figures. He had dyed his hair green to look like Yoda.

"Why fight you do?" Sunday said in a weird Yoda voice. Arthur would've gone on and fought Sir Thursday, but the thing was that he knew he couldn't take on two Days.

"How are you guys even here?" Arthur asked. "I thought the treaty said that you guys can't come here."

Both of them burst out laughing. "No, we just tricked that lazy idiot Monday into that agreement, though it only applied to him." Thursday said.

"So, why were you two fighting?" Sunday asked, giving up trying to sound like Yoda.

Arthur pointed at Sir Thursday. "He said that he slept with Saturday."

Sir Thursday didn't look very sorry. "But it's true."

"Really?" Sunday asked. "You mean you too?" They both high-fived.

"It was great, wasn't it?" Thursday asked.

"Yup," Sunday said.

Arthur's jaw dropped. "Okay, who else has done it with Saturday in the House?"

Just then, every single male denizen in the House started coming towards the Lower House. And I mean every single one. The Lieutenant Gatekeeper somehow detached himself from the door, the Old One came out of the coal cellar, the Mariner came out from Grim Tuesday's enslavement, and the Piper came out from wherever he was hiding. There were even several female denizens too.

"Wha-" Arthur began. He found that his legs had turned to jelly. Apparently everyone had, except him.

"Whatever, let's kill him," Thursday said.

"Why are we killing him again?" Sunday asked.

"Because he's the Rightful Heir and wants to take the Keys from us," Thursday said.

"Is that true?" Sunday asked.

"No," Arthur lied.

"All right, I'll believe him," Sunday said. "I have work to do anyway." He then went away.

Sir Thursday still looked like he wanted to fight him though.

"You can't beat me," Arthur said. "This is the Lower House, and the First Key is strongest here."

"Yeah," Sir Thursday said. "But its broken."

"Wait, what?" Arthur asked. "This is a magical artifact forged by the creator of the universe. How can you break it?"

Thursday shrugged. "I don't know. But Monday did somehow, which is why its in two pieces now. It works fine occasionally, but not most of the time."

"But-but-" Arthur stuttered. "It's supposed to protect me completely from harm, somewhat from pain, and not at all from discomfort."

"Pfft," Thursday said. "The only thing that it's managed to protect is your virginity, loser." Just then, the phone rang for him and he picked it up. "Looks like you're lucky this time, because there's something going on in the Great Maze."

Thursday went off and boarded the Improbable Stair while Arthur went looking for his Times. He had things he needed to work out with them.

Arthur still hadn't figured out what pairings his Times did. Sometimes it was NoonxDusk, DawnxDusk, DawnxNoon, but most commonly it was all of them together. He guessed they were probably in the meeting room, which meant that this would be a bad time to walk in.

And so, he decided to just take a nap.


	2. Grim Tuesday

We now take you to Grim Tuesday's demesne.

Grim Tuesday was the holder of the Second Key, and he made all sorts of things for various people. Unfortunately, none of them, and I mean none of them, ever worked like they were supposed to.

Take for example the Sword-Boomerang as he called it. It worked like this (at least theoretically): You would throw it at an enemy, it would kill them, and then it would come back to you and you'd catch it.

How it really worked was this: You would throw it, it would miss your enemy by an inch, and then somehow come back at you with twice the speed (even though that's not possible) and then before you could say 'Somebody finna die!' you'd end up lying on the ground decapitated.

Then, there was Hatorade. Hatorade was Grim Tuesday's result of trying to copy Gatorade to distribute to the Great Maze for the soldiers. Of course, it had the odd side effect that you'd hate the first person you saw after you drank it.

What happened was that Thursday invited his Dawn for a dinner for the two of them alone, and everything was going well until he poured her some Hatorade for her to drink. I think we all know what happened next, and it wasn't that Thursday got laid. But enough about that, after all, this isn't the story of Thursday's and his Dawn's love life.

But perhaps Grim Tuesday's biggest failure was the product known as 'Bitch-Be-Gone' spray. It was supposed to work as it sounds, and one day the Piper tried spraying it on Lady Friday to test it, and that just made her even madder. But enough about that, this isn't the story of how Lady Friday's molar got embedded in the Piper's left arm, this is a story about Arthur.

So anywhoo, the two messengers arrived at the Far Reaches looking for Grim Tuesday, but they couldn't find him. So they started searching around for where he was and around 6000 hours later they found him inside his pyramid.

And he was crying like a three-year-old.

"What happened?" one of them asked.

"Wednesday!" Grim Tuesday shouted. "We've been dating for the last 8,000 years, and she just dumped me right now."

"Wednesday? You mean Whale Wednesday?"

Grim Tuesday glared at the messenger. "You just can't call her that. That's disrespectful. You have to use her official titles: Douchess Wednesday or Her Royal Bitchiness."

The other messenger nodded. "He's right you know."

"So what?" the messenger asked. "We believe that you had received a letter from us."

Grim Tuesday nodded. "But the thing is that I never read it. I used it as a tissue to wipe away my tears. I can't go on like this, my life is over." He then turned on the television and turned on one of the Twilight movies and began listening to Justin Bieber. Why you ask? Because he was trying to kill himself, duh.

One of the messengers turned the music and television off. "Come on now, life can't be that bad."

"Yes it is," Grim Tuesday said sobbing. "We were together for so long, and I did everything for her. And then she just went and dumped me all of a sudden. How could she do that?"

"I think that's why she is called _Douchess _Wednesday," the messenger said. "But think about it. Life still can't be that bad. Look at us, we were all cool and all in the first and second books and we weren't even mentioned later on. Yeah, you'd think that since the books pretty much started with all of us we'd be all important and all, but no, we won't even get another mention. And what about Pravuil? Or that Ed kid?"

"Who's Ed?" Tuesday asked.

"Exactly. Now come on, there's this lawsuit we need you to sign. Apparently you can go and sue Arthur for all he has, and take the entire Lower House and his Key, even though it is broken."

"Wait a minute," Tuesday said. "I can go ahead and sue someone even though I clearly have neither a case nor evidence and hope to win? Where are we, in America? Anyway, I guess I'll go ahead and sign it anyway though. Maybe I can use the extra cash to get something to make up with her." He then used his thumb to mark the document, because of course, he was illiterate not because it would magically result in a seal or anything.

* * *

Arthur was peacefully napping again when he was interrupted by something. He opened his eyes to see Dame Primus. Arthur groaned, she never had any good new for him and kept thinking for some reason that Arthur was really a girl and continuously tried cross-dressing him.

"What is it now?" Arthur asked.

"We're getting sued by the Far Reaches and can't do anything about it," Dame Primus said. "But don't worry about it, I have a plan."

Arthur groaned. Dame Primus always had a plan, and they always didn't work. When they had been trying to get the First Key she had said that they should disguise themselves as Gummy Bears (Mister Monday was apparently a huge fan) and sneak in. What had really happened was that some Nithlings thought they looked tasty and tried to eat them.

"Okay, what is it? I'm just so interested in this plan that you have." Arthur said. There was a Sarcasm Meter somewhere else in the House which measured the level of sarcasm in the House and it just went up a notch.

"You see, Wednesday just broke up with Tuesday," she said. "That means that Tuesday is a heart-broken wretch now. And we all know what that means, he'll eventually order hookers from the Lower House. So, we just need to dress you and Suzy up as hookers and send you to the Lower House, where you'll go meet Grim Tuesday, perhaps give a little service, find out the location of the second part of the Will, get his Key, and then dismiss charges against yourself."

Oh yeah, by the way, in case you didn't know prostitution was the Lower House's main economic support. Yeah, if you weren't a high ranking officer, then your life was basically crap as you were forced to go around cater to various people, and weren't paid a dime because Monday was too lazy to bother billing anyone. Like seriously, most of the House's suicide rate came from the Lower House. Most of the Denizens there hoped that they would one day be sold to the Far Reaches or drafted for the army. But though it was bad, they didn't have life the worst. No, that award went to Denizens under Lord Sunday's command. Only his power kept them from killing themselves, and being assigned as one of his Denizens was worse than being slowly dissolved by Nothing.

"Yeah, nothing can possibly go wrong with that plan," Arthur said. The Sarcasm Meter blew up somewhere in the Lower House. "And since Grim Tuesday has filed the suit, how does me taking his Key in any way dismiss the lawsuit."

"You'll be rich Arthur if you take his Key," Dame Primus said. "And we all know that the legal system is powerless against rich people."

"What is this, America?" Arthur asked. Just then, Suzy and Leaf walked in. Seeing them made some of Arthur's anger melt away, thought not all of it. You see, Arthur had been friendzoned by Suzy, but you'd think that he'd still stand a chance with Leaf. No, because the truth was that both of them were gay and were now a couple, and though Arthur had been making videos of them doing it for some time it still didn't ease the pain in his heart.

Dame Primus explained the situation to Suzy, and she agreed. At the very least she was a good friend, Arthur thought.

"Okay then, time to dress you two up," Dame Primus said. She held up two dresses. That's right dresses, and one of them was a ridiculously frilly maid outfit. Suzy got the plainer one, while Arthur was given the ridiculously frilly one.

"I am not wearing that," Arthur said. Dame Primus had a strange gleam in her eye as she moved towards Arthur. Arthur held up the First Key to defend himself, but of course since it was broken it did nothing.

Five minutes later Arthur was dressed up, and everyone there had to agree that he looked pretty nice in the dress. Suzy and Leaf decided that if Arthur had been a real girl they'd invite him for a threesome one day, and Arthur was considering transforming himself into one using the First Key.

"Bye, come back safely," Leaf said and hogged Suzy's face. Though Arthur thought it was cute, he also thought that it was supposed to be him doing that.

Just then though, Xan and Tethera came. You see, Grim Tuesday had originally had three Times just like the rest of the days, but the thing was that over time he had become a Power Rangers fanbody (you know, back when they were still cool a bazillion years ago) and then morphed them into the Power Rangers.

"Transform!" Xan said and they began turning into the Blue and Pink rangers. Luckily though, in the House the transformation sequence took a bunch of time during which Grim Tuesday placed his order and Dame Primus sent the two on their way before Xan and Tethera were even done.


End file.
